irrelephant words

[x] She was the epitome of everything he hated.[x] Close the curtains. He laid awake for what felt...

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 01:33:29 -0400

[x] She was the epitome of everything he hated.
[x] Close the curtains.

He laid awake for what felt like the entire night. There hadn’t been a moment of silence sine he returned home for Christmas. There hadn’t even been a moment to breathe without the fear of something terrible happening building up inside his chest. He could feel his hands shaking despite how slight the movement was. Regulus refused to believe it was anything other than the cold but he knew better. The yelling downstairs would only get worse. It was the same every time the siblings returned home.

The nights would be filled with nothing but Orion’s voice that demanded attention and respect. Then, without hesitation, it’d be followed by the oldest Black son, defiant and proud as always to be the one person who wouldn’t respect the cold hearted man. Regulus would count the minutes, sometimes hours, until the yelling and curses stopped, until he couldn’t hear his brother’s pained words. The only thing that would soothe him and keep him from running to Kreacher during the night was the fact he would never hear his brother scream. His father would never know the satisfaction of hearing his eldest son scream because of him. That was what kept Regulus safely under the covers and out of sight until the morning.

Regulus wasn’t sure how much longer it was until he heard the heavy footsteps outside his door. His eyes clenched shut and his breathing stilled until his lungs burned as he waited for the creaking outside the door to stop. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep once his mind found comfort in the thought that Sirius was now safe as well under his own set of sheets and blankets. Waking to the cold winter air and small hand on his shoulder, Regulus felt his body reacting without a second thought. Staring too hard for comfort was the tiny house elf that he had almost replaced his brother with. Forgetting the night’s events for a short moment he was able to smile. “Master Regulus Black, Misses requests you downstairs.” Regulus gave a small nod before the elf left. The mornings were hard to catch the elf with any time to talk to. It had always been this way yet ever since Sirius and Regulus had grown apart he found himself lonelier without the company. Once dressed, he made his way down the staircase. Not awake enough to be concerned with what his mother needed, he took his time entering the room. “Yes, mother?” His voice was empty, clear of any confusion.

“Oh, Reggie, dear.” Wulburga was always kinder to Regulus, always happier to see him. Being the Black family’s puppet would always pay off in the sense that Regulus would be loved. It wasn’t a real kind of love. It was nothing close to it yet the young boy lived only to please them now that the innocent fire inside him had left with his relationship with Sirius. Their approval was what he sought but he would never be able to do enough to gain the approval of those he truly needed it from. Continuing with her doting on the younger son, she squeezed his arm before finishing her question. “I was worried you weren’t feeling well. You’ve slept entirely too late this morning, Reggie. “

His gaze lifted from his mother to Orion who was busy with the Daily Prophet to notice the quiet son. “I’m feeling fine, mother. I’m just tired from the train ride yesterday.” He could never tell his mother the real reason behind the drowsiness he was feeling. Remaining the golden boy meant more to Regulus right now than anything. The pressure was unbearable at times. It had caused some trouble for him during his time at Hogwarts on a few occasions. Every second of it was worth it if he could prove he deserved the dark mark. If he could just hear his father’s proud words then he’d feel better about spending more time than needed studying and perfecting his work. He’d probably even go as far as to make Quiditch a bigger part of his life. Granted, it already was but the wizard was more focused on his coursework and parents to enjoy the sport. Part of him blamed Sirius for this. Part of him was so angry at the older boy for leaving him behind, for abandoning him and letting him take his spot as their golden child, as their last hope for keeping the Black name honorable and respected. He couldn’t stay angry forever.

“Sirius wasn’t a distraction to you, last night, was he?” Her voice took on a colder tone once the blood traitor’s name was brought up. Regulus kept his expression calm. He tried to keep his mother’s words from getting under his skin and hoped by not replying her words wouldn’t become more cruel and harsh. He took a moment to look at his mother, to really see what kind of person was sitting in front of him as the house elf brought him a glass of water and his breakfast. It was then he realized something he hadn’t noticed until now, the previous night flashing through his mind.

She was the epitome of everything he hated. Every word she spoke to him, every disgustingly cold touch, brought him closer and closer to the edge he had fought so hard to avoid. She was the one who had broken the duo up and for that, Regulus hated her more than he could put to words. Sometimes the anger he felt towards the woman would fade into something easier to handle. Sometimes it would boil over to the point it caused his body to ache with every breathe he took to contain it. Every time her empty eyes would find him he’d feel the fear building inside him. His skin would crawl and he’d find himself desperately wishing he could fade into the background, blur into those filthy house elves, or even into the dark walls behind him. He was never given the chance to disappear. Something inside him wouldn’t allow him to do anything other than play the role he was given, the role Sirius refused to fill.

It was tough to watch his older brother be everything he wanted to be as well. Sirius was brave and Regulus wanted that more than anything. He wanted to be able to stand up for what he loved, for who he was, and not let his parents decide who he’d be. Now it was too late. He was far too scared of the possibility of turning down his future, of his parents treating him the way they treated Sirius. He wasn’t brave like Sirius. His change of heart wouldn’t come until later, until his death was near. No matter how confused Regulus was on the concept of love and hate, he knew deep down he loved his parents in the only way he knew how just as much as he loved his brother.

After his plate was cleared, Orion put down the paper for the first time since Regulus had entered the room. “Come with me, son.” He didn’t smile at him the way Walburga did. He would praise him, but only when he was terribly close to breaking down from the pressure. “Inside.” Nodding, Regulus entered the drawing room. He wasn’t surprised by the sudden meeting. He knew the time would come. He knew his father would want to discuss his future in more detail. Of course he was too young but even Regulus was excited to be able to show he was far more advanced than his peers. He wanted this badly.

Perhaps it was for all the wrong reasons but the dark haired boy didn’t care about that. He only cared about following through with this, about finally fitting into something bigger than himself. He wanted the dark mark and to him no reason was needed. Once he was able to pull himself out of his thoughts he was taken aback to see Sirius already sitting. He didn’t look the same as usual and Regulus assumed this was what he looked like after the nightly meetings with their father. His head tilted slightly, hair falling out of his eyes. Feeling those dark Black eyes on him, Sirius turned to Regulus and shot him a mischievous smile.

“Close the curtains.” The deep voice commanded from the other side of the room. The voice sent chills down Regulus’ back, causing him to shift his weight to the opposite foot as his gaze dropped from his brother. He was too cowardly to watch, to catch the change of emotions on his brother’s face. Sirius was his soft spot and soon his father would see that. “Yes, sir.” Doing as told, Regulus pulled the heavy curtains shut, trapping them in darkness despite the early hour. Moving back to his original spot, body tensing as he waited, Regulus took a deep breath. He knew what was going to happen. He knew his father was going to do something terrible and he knew from this day on he’d have to act on the feelings he harbored. He’d take his role as the golden boy up a notch and fall further into the cowardly life as a Death Eater. He’d blindly follow the Dark Lord and his father’s instructions if it meant avoiding the pain his brother would be in in mere moments.

Part uno. At one point in his life, everything had been fine. He wouldn’t go as far as to say it...

Sat, 26 May 2012 21:41:16 -0400

Part uno.

At one point in his life, everything had been fine. He wouldn’t go as far as to say it was perfect because he knew nothing was that. Nothing could be perfect and certainly not his own life. He was born to live in pain and heart break and torture his mind to endless measures. That didn’t bother him, not at first. He liked the view he got from his broken mind. He liked the thoughts that filled his head and caused his grin to spread at any given moment. He liked everything about the man he was until that disease grabbed a hold of his heart and twisted and turned it until it shattered.

Not even his princess, his fiancé, could save him by that point. The drugs had kept him happy during the months he had to tour with his best friends—- the additions to his single parent family. The weed kept him happy and calm, which was enough when he was away from the woman that kept his heart intact. Then there were nights when the drinking became too much. His bright blue eyes would haze over with the alcohol in his system and he’d wake up in the oddest situations. The boys knew they lived dangerously but still had achieved some kind of perfect role model status. They kept their personal lives and doings separate from the music they made and the image they gave the world to fawn over.

But that wasn’t right. That wasn’t how Joe wanted to live. He wanted to parade his hardcore life around. He wanted to be worshiped by more than just teenage girls. It was nice, it was. Don’t get a Jew wrong on that. He adored his fans. They were sweet, some crazy, but they made his life up to this point rewarding. There was just something terribly off with the man. Perhaps it was what touring since he was sixteen did to his mind. Maybe he was so cut off from the world that he couldn’t see what kind of perfect he was and wanted to destroy the very thing everyone loved.

Slender, calloused fingers brushed through the curls that had grown too wild. His trademark lazy smile, maybe more of a high smile than that, spread over those lips Zui had known to be perfect and gentle. He was happy for once. Being home, in that full size bed with his pup, did that to the older guitarist. He sighed softly, content for once in the past few months. He didn’t know why it was this easy to fall back into the habits. Once he was able to rest without the screams of young teeny boppers, he found his routine to be simple and relaxed. He’d work out every morning, jam with some old and new friends for hours upon hours, visit the woman he loved at her place of work—- which varied more than the cereal Joe ate, and then he’d spend his day geeking it up with movies from his childhood and comic books. It was a simple life that was dedicated mostly to music and his own musings but it was taking a terrible turn.

Not even a week into the time at home, his heart was shattered by something other than his own inner workings. Everything he had known was turned upside down and his paradise was sinking. The days spent being active and social became days he’d lock himself up. Sometimes he’d hide in Pete’s house. Sometimes he’d crash on Patrick’s bed. Andy, always the unreadable one out of the two—although people would confuse Joe’s shyness with Andy’s stoic expressions, hadn’t said much but had offered a lifetime supply of chicken noodle soup. A heart breaking split with a significant other always took the longest to pass with Joe. Fans had the strange idea that Pete was the drama queen convinced to destroy himself after being dumped but few had ever seen Joe in love—much less hurting in this sense. They didn’t know better and that was perfectly okay.

Joe liked the isolation. But now, now he was terribly sad. He couldn’t turn to his fiancé because she wasn’t there. She wasn’t anywhere to be found and Joe felt like that alone was causing his heart to cave in. His lifetime struggle with depression became worse and he seemed to be uninterested in even the drugs Andy promised would ease his pain. Drinking was the only distraction and even Pete could see how worse off it was leaving his favorite guitarist. His path to self-destruction was finally coming to an end. There was nothing left for him to break, no part of him that went unharmed in Zui’s absence.

The memories and thoughts rattled through his head. There was no off switch. There was no way to...

Wed, 23 May 2012 17:43:06 -0400

The memories and thoughts rattled through his head. There was no off switch. There was no way to forget the things that once made him smile. It was torture in a new way, in the one way he was able to say he knew. He couldn’t imagine a pain more deep than the one he felt when he’d wake up, tears spilling from his eyes. Nothing in his life had hurt this much—not even the broken collar bone he had experienced as a teen while working in the same hotel as the man he missed so much. Physical pain had nothing on the emotional breaking he was feeling. He could always put ice on an ache. There was nothing he could do to stop the emotions inside him. What made it even worse for the male was how it had been obvious from the beginning it was his fault.

He never blamed the love of his life from leaving. He never blamed him for not looking back. No one could and no one had even dared. Even now, he’d defend the other’s actions. He had done everything to run him away, to push until he had nothing anymore. He knew what was okay and what wasn’t but still managed to venture into the red zone. It was his fault and he wouldn’t let anyone else make what he did okay. He wouldn’t believe them when they used his weak mind as an excuse. There were no excuses for what he did and that was the only logical thing left in his head.

Life used to be easy. Life used to be everything he expected. He used to be able to wake up in the morning and smile at the face looking back because the empty space in his bed was filled, a hand was always resting in his, and there was always—- without fail, a matching cereal bowl in the sink next to his. He had shared his home, however small his room in the apartment was, and even his neglected heart. He shared his clothes with the other man. He went as far as sharing his toothbrush with him and soon enough, the other’s house. But now he had nobody to share his life with. He had no one to hear that laugh he always tried to muffle, to hold him when he cried over the self-hatred that took over every Sunday morning since he left the church. No one was there to rub his back as he threw up from pushing his body so hard. He had no one to take care of him in the ways he craved to take care of another human. He could no longer listen to the younger man ramble. He couldn’t watch him work on whatever side project he was completing and wait for him to become hungry enough to let him cook for once. He couldn’t lay awake at night and watch him sleep. There was nothing left of the life he had loved.

It had been his fault, really. He could see now what he was blind to all the years before. He wouldn’t allow any part of himself to heal and that was where he went wrong. That was what he did that finally drove the man who had saved him once before away. He was broken in more ways than anyone could see. He wouldn’t let the younger male close enough to help. He’d never admit to anything. Not even the drugs he had turned to after his mother’s sudden death. To this day— a handful of years since his husband had left, he still couldn’t admit to his true intention. He wanted that drug to destroy him in ways he never had the courage to. It was no accident that the needle ended up in his arm. It wasn’t an accident when it happened again once the divorce papers were set in front of him. This time he didn’t end up on someone’s couch to suffer it out. He ended up in rehab, on a prison of sorts. Now clean, he could feel all the pain over.

He could see the face of who he loved more than anything. He could feel the touch he craved. The photos of his ex-husband raising -their- child with a woman he vaguely remembered broke whatever strength he had left. Now—- the night before his wedding, the only chance he had at redeeming himself in his father’s eyes, he reached for the bottle on the table and his phone that had been placed beside it. Dialing his number was hard enough but he knew there was nothing left for him now. Hands refused to hold still. What was harder, though, was hearing that sleepy, raw voice. It was gentle and kind which led the soon to be drunk man to believe he had ‘lost’ his number. The feeling hit and his stomach dropped. Suddenly he wasn’t feeling as bold and his fingers moved uncomfortably as he willed them to hang up.

“Baby?” He whinnied, blue eyes filling with fresh tears. “Please, please don’t hang up.” He felt like he’d die if the other man did that. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I can’t do this. I can’t live like this. I can’t. I’m sorry. Please. Forgive me. I messed up. I honestly see that. I’m sorry. I can’t go through with this. I.” He could hear the confused grumbling, the breathing, but no words were clear to him over his own soft sobs. He wasn’t sure if this was cold feet, if he was making a mistake. Either way, he was sure one mistake was made. The engagement wasn’t what he wanted in the slightest. It was his only way to have his father back in his life. He’d marry Katelyn. He’d settle back down in Arizona and take a job at his father’s business and give up on his own dreams and aspirations. It wasn’t like him but he had no one else left. Like the man he loved, he had lost his sister’s friendship through the drug abuse and odd behavior. “Bye, Stephen. “ He whispered, ending the call and locking himself in the hotel bathroom. He didn’t know how long it was until he passed out from the combination of crying, the bottles contents, and the rest of the pills he had been promised would cure the demon in him. When he finally woke he saw the face he had missed so long. He saw the face of his savior from years before standing above him and a very sad drummer and best man.

He was angry with Andy for doing this, for letting Stephen know where he was at. Moments of silent stares passed and now he was embarrassed and scared and God, oh so cold. Then the screaming started, mostly from Andy who had never once channeled any anger towards his friend. David shook his head quickly and clung to himself and that stupid phone he wished he hadn’t touched. He couldn’t say anything and allowed the tears to fall freely. “I just wanted to end this and start over.” He mumbled. Then it made since to Stephen. It always had made since but a man could only handle so much hurt. He cleared his throat and knelt down, pulling his panda into his arms. “It’ll be okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

Putting this here too so I don’t lose it. I’ll mess with it when I’m not angry at...

Wed, 23 May 2012 13:55:09 -0400

Putting this here too so I don’t lose it.
I’ll mess with it when I’m not angry at my laptop dying.

That was where he went wrong. That was what he did that finally drove the man who had saved him once before away. He was broken in more ways than anyone could see. He wouldn’t let the younger male close enough to help. He’d never admit to anything. Not even the drugs he had turned to after his mother’s sudden death. To this day— a handful of years since his husband had left, he still couldn’t admit to his true intention. He wanted that drug to destroy him in ways he never had the guts to. It was no accident that the needle ended up in his arm. It wasn’t an accident when it happened again once the divorce papers were set in front of him. This time he didn’t end up on someone’s couch to suffer it out. He ended up in rehab, on a prison of sorts. Now clean, he could feel all the pain over.

He could see the face of who he loved more than anything. He could feel the touch he craved. The photos of his ex-husband raising -their- child with a woman he vaguely remembered broke whatever strength he had left. Now—- the night before his wedding, the only chance he had at redeeming himself in his fathers eyes, he reached for the bottle on the table and his phone that had been placed beside it. Dialing his number was hard. Hands refused to hold still. What was harder, though, was hearing that sleepy, raw voice. It wa gentle and kind which led the soon to be drunk man to believe he ha ‘lost’ his number.

‘baby?’ he whinnied, blue eyes spilling with tears. ‘please, please don’t hang up.’ he felt like he’d die of the other man did that. ‘im sorry. Im so sorry. I can’t do this. I can’t live like this. I can’t. I’m sorry. Please. Forgive me. I messed up. I honestly see that. I’m sorry. I cant go through with this. I.’ he could eat the confused grumbling, the breathing, but no words. ‘bye, Stephen. ’ he whispered at last before hanging up and locking himself in the hotel bathroom. He didn’t know how long it was until he passed out from the combination of crying, the bottles contents, and the rest of the pills he had been promised would cure the demon in him. But when he woke he saw the face he had missed so long. He saw the face of his savior from years before standing above him and a very sad drummer.

He was angry with Andy for doing this, for letting Stepen know where he was at. But now he was embarrassed and scared and God, oh so cold. That’s when the screaming started, mostly from Andy. David shook his head and clung to himself and that phone. He couldn’t say anything and allowed the tears to fall freely. ‘I just wanted to end this and start over.’ he mumbled. Then it made since to Stephen. It always had made since but a man could only handle so much hurt. He cleared his throat and knelt down, pulling his panda into his arms. ‘it’ll be okay. I’m not going anywhere.’

I lied. I’m putting it here too so I can remember to mess around with it more. Whoops. The...

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 18:36:38 -0400

I lied. I’m putting it here too so I can remember to mess around with it more.

Whoops.

The morning hadn’t started out right at all. The buzzing of his phone against the nightstand had kept him from sleeping. At first the texts had been silly nonsense. He didn’t mind those. He just simply rolled his eyes and ignored the message. He was used to those messages. They seemed to be a daily thing but hey, at least his friends still thought of him to keep him informed of their childish games. It didn’t stop there though. The texts turned into phone calls, ones David had ignored and ones he wished would stop. After the third attempt of ignoring the phone, even silencing it until he realized the light from his phone was as annoying as the vibration, he answered.

After moving out his relationship with his mother seemed to vanish. He had betrayed her, as she worded it, by moving to that city of sin, again her wording. He had missed having his sister so close and wanted the opportunities living at home could never give him. He somehow managed to miss every chance at seeing his father but at the time David didn’t care one way or another. He didn’t let himself think too hard on any of that. He pretended it was fine, that his family was still the kind that sat down together at every little meal and prayed. No one had the slightest idea because he wouldn’t acknowledge it himself. But no amount of distance between him and his mother could keep the sting of what he heard after mumbling a ‘Hello?’

Everything stopped, his breathing, time even. David’s fingers dug into his phone, eyes lowering to the covers that were still over him. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. It wasn’t until the woman on the other end of the line stopped talking that it hit David. “I can’t.” He tried keeping his voice even, tried keeping the overwhelming feeling from clawing out of him and ruining the façade he kept for so long. He was slowly losing control over it and had been for the past few months. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t care, that he didn’t have anything to worry about. He refused to acknowledge his own life in favor of keeping a close eye on those around him but now? Now it was hard—impossible even. Now he was being thrown into something he couldn’t hide, not when he felt the tears sliding down his own face. He had forgotten what it felt like to cry first hand.

He threw his legs over the side of the bed, mumbling something his own brain hadn’t grasped before it was too late. “I’m sorry. I really am. I can’t. I can’t. I’m… I’m touring. I can’t.” It came out so quickly he couldn’t stop it before the guilt sank in, mixing with the confusion and heart break that was settling in. He stumbled slightly, his foot not wanting to leave the blanket that had twisted around him. “Shit.” He huffed, ignoring the pain in the side of his face from hitting the wall. He wasn’t the best when waking up under any normal condition and now was a struggle to stand. “Right, right. I understand. Thank you.” He hung up and tossed his phone onto the counter in the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Then without hesitation he let what little bit of crying he had left in him. He leaned against the sink, forehead pressed against the mirror, as his chest shook and his fingers curled against the edge of the counter.

Other people’s problems were easier to deal with. They didn’t require him to feel anything other than hope for the person hurting to feel better. That was easy. That was in his nature not this. He couldn’t do this because David Blaise was not supposed to have any problems of his own, he wasn’t supposed to be bothered by anything and he wasn’t supposed to be weak like this. He rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of one of the hoodies he’d stolen from Stephen before sleeping. After leaving the bathroom he checked to make sure Stephen was still asleep before crawling back under the covers and pressing his face as into the pillow as it could get.

It wasn’t usual for him to feel like this. It wasn’t usual for his body to feel as if it...

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 23:30:06 -0500

It wasn’t usual for him to feel like this. It wasn’t usual for his body to feel as if it was caving in or as if someone had taken a knife to his heart. He almost didn’t understand why there were tears on the pillow his face was pressed against. It was uncomfortable to lay on his side like that. His arm had somehow managed to get trapped under him in his hurry to hide under the covers. He was far too lazy to move in the slightest, just enough to keep his wrist and hand from tingling and his ribs to stop aching. Although, he was certain that last part was from trying hard not to make too loud of a sound.

He wanted to hide and be as good as dead to the world. His body was curled, trying to keep himself together or at the very least to feel as if he wasn’t even there at all. His back was to the door, phone laying on the floor somewhere near a pile of clothes he’d stripped from earlier. It was the first place people would try to find him. They’d try to call or text but they’d get no answer. He wasn’t moving from the bed no matter how many times his stupid phone vibrated against the floor. He closed his eyes tightly and sighed, curling tighter into himself.

He hardly understood what this feeling was and only enough to put a name to it. It was brought on by the stupidest thing. Even he was aware of that. There had been no reason for it. That was how a lot of things happened. No reason, no cause. The feeling just took him over and held him down until he couldn’t breathe. But that was okay too. He had came to terms with the fact even he couldn’t get away with being happy. Even his life wasn’t perfect and it’d be stupid of him to try to convince anyone else of that.

As used to it as he was becoming due to this being a nightly issue for him, he still hated it. He still couldn’t adjust to it. He was normally happy, so much happier than anyone around him. That had changed a long time ago but he had still considered himself happier than most people. It was frustrating to be reminded of who he was just to be lectured for feeling this way.

If he had heard ‘You have no reason to feel like that.’ or ‘What happened to make you anymore hurt than someone else?’ one more time he’d throw himself from the window, that much he was sure of. He didn’t know what was causing the rock in his chest, the crying or even the need to isolate himself which would honestly cause a more harmful feeling to him. He only knew what he felt and that he wanted it to stop.

ok we're gonna be best friends now. Regulus is the best character ever. Ugh the love I feel for him actually HURTS.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:59:00 -0500

I approve of this. I feel like Regulus is too underrated even though he is just the most perfect thing.

"She was the first thing he saw" Block: MY REGULUS BLACK CREYS. Ugh, so much fangirling happening in me right now. So much. This is awesome. My. Creys.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:54:20 -0500

Oh my god let me love you. Regulus is my favorite person to write for, oh my fangirl heart. c:

[+] She was the first thing he saw. From the first breath he took, she was the first thing he saw....

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:44:00 -0500

[+] She was the first thing he saw.

From the first breath he took, she was the first thing he saw. She was the face that brought comfort to hard times, she was the face that eased pain and dried tears. From the first breath he took, she was the only human he would ever trust. Some would argue that trust was a concept lost on him. Some would even argue that he couldn’t trust her simply because he was incapable of loving her and who could trust a thing they didn’t love? It was an odd thing to think about, even now as he was forcing himself to breath in the terribly warm air.

Something as simple shouldn’t have caused his body to ache so badly. It shouldn’t have left him tired. His body wasted no time in rejecting the air, rejecting the life he was trying to fill it with. His whole body shook as he coughed, fingers curling into his palm as his eyes closed. He had known pain. He had felt it every day of his incredibly short life. This was different though. This wasn’t a punishment. This was his own stupidity; this was caused by his own hand. He had been foolish but who could blame him?

Those pretty blue eyes had him more than wrapped around the delicate finger. Anything Amerie wanted he would give her, no questions asked. It was easy to mistake. His best friend, his mentor, and her older brother had mistaken it as loyalty to the family but it was more than that. The innocence Amerie held was something he only wished he could experience himself. Just like the beautiful blond, he was the youngest of a family with high expectations and dark secrets. The difference in them wasn’t age. They were in the same year of schooling and had birthdays within the same week, even. No, the difference was something bigger, something Regulus had learned to resent his own brother for. Owen protected Amerie without hesitation. Any danger to her could turn the older boy into something he never thought he’d be, similar to how it made Regulus himself act. He couldn’t bring himself to even think of his brother’s name and he felt his breathing become harder as his mind wondered to that very thought.

His brother had never cared. His brother had abandoned him and left him to be toyed with, paraded around like his parents had always wanted for the older of the two. He was drowning in the pressure and had been for months. No one cared to notice, not until tonight. Amerie leaned over the side of the bed, blond locks falling over her shoulders. She couldn’t care less for personal space which sadly was the one thing the boy wanted more than freedom.

He hadn’t noticed the white walls, the white sheets, the smells of home remedies and friendly voice of the nurse. “Oh! You’re awake. How lovely.” The tiny girl’s voice pulled him from his own thoughts before panic could sink in. It was odd, really. He couldn’t look at her without feeling like someone else, without forgetting the war around them and the cruel things he was supposed to be doing to her friends. He wondered how anyone could grow up in that home and turn out to be the very thing they wanted to eliminate from their world. A smile stretched over chapped lips, his blistered and calloused hands pushing back thick, black hair.

“I forgot.” He mumbled, voice cracking as he tried to keep his insides from spilling out. “I don’t.. I can’t swim, really.” He forced a laugh, pain shooting down his spine. It was as close to a real laugh as he could allow anyone else to hear. The last one had been shared on Christmas with his brother. Since then he found no reason to laugh, no time to waste being happy when he had to grow into the shoes his father needed him to wear. He couldn’t let the family down. He couldn’t tarnish their name more than that traitor of a brother had. His hand curled tighter into a fist as the same thought came rushing back through his mind. It was constantly there. It drove him to the edge and at times he’d give anything to stop breathing all together. But that hurt too much, the thought of shaming his parents in such a permanent way.

“Owen can teach you! He’s such a fantastic swimmer. One time he—.”

“No.” Regulus couldn’t shout, he could barely speak from how sore he felt all over, inside and out, every little fiber was tired. Somehow that had been enough to calm the girl, a smile replacing the sound of her distant, sweet voice. That was the catch. That was what kept Regulus from ever thinking of hurting her. The look in her eyes when she saw him, the way her voice would soften even more, the gentlest touches she gave him. She loved him and he could tell. Everyone could tell. For someone who was incapable of love, he loved her back.

That was going to be the end for him. That was going to be what caused him to fail miserably. Neither of them knew that their love had an expiration date. Neither of them knew Regulus had a handful of years left, two at the most. Three if he played his cards right. It was a sickening thought, to think the boy would give up his life to fight on a side of the war he was so against. “I hate the water.” His voice was a soft murmur. He had always hated the water and in return his brother spent every moment in it. During school he’d bring his filthy friends to the lake, he’d spend his time with them instead of protecting Regulus. It was safe to say he resented the two friends his brother had made while all Regulus had was Owen and Avery and of course his family’s fierce loyalty but that didn’t matter.

The ends of Amerie’s hair tickled against his face. She was too close both physically and on an emotional level. It was hard not to let her in, hard not to pull her close and be overwhelmed with the desire to never let her go. They were the babies. They were the children of the group. They were young and innocent, as innocent as any of them could be. They were the two left out of anything important. They were the two who would hide away in the corner of the common room, whispering among themselves while the others decided their fate.

Fingertips pressed against the side of his eye, a yelp following. It was sore, more sore than the rest of Regulus’ body could be. Just like that he was forced back into his head, forced to remember what had happened prior to nearly drowning in an attempt to escape his life, an action that could have easily been blamed on the drugs Arianna and Bella had given him. “Your brother can throw a good punch.” His lips curled into a smirk, hand lifting to pull Amerie’s away. His fingers interlaced with hers.

“I’m sorry. You never told me what caused him to get so angry.” Amerie had never seen Owen upset. She only heard stories from Lillith. The nights Owen would get angry all Amerie could hear was their father’s voice, the sounds of Owen being shoved but never him bringing it onto him but that was what he did. He knew the things to say, he knew what made others tick and used it to cause himself pain. He was in love with the pain as Regulus had learned to be as well.

“Why does it matter?” He laughed, a bitter, ugly sound. His voice was always distant, always lacking life but now he couldn’t possibly keep it from sounding cold and heavy. He closed his eyes, shaking his head. “He’s mad. Crazy fucker.” Regulus could hear Amerie’s breathing catch in her throat, causing his eyes to open. He sat up, swinging his legs over the bed. The hospital wing was a place he had only seen once or twice. He refused to visit Rabastan and the others. He hated the lack of color, the invasion of privacy and humility he endured during his stays here. “I came in from meeting Bella and Cissa. Avery was just leaving. He warned us that Owen was upset. Caught some asshole making eyes at Xia. I told the ladies to go ahead and head out to the lake without me.” Regulus shrugged as if the rest of the story didn’t matter.

He grabbed his sweater, pulling it over his head. He leaned against the bed post, locking his gaze on the young Reyensford. Then it all played out in front of him. Regulus had said good bye to his cousins, giving a quick hello to the older boy in his dormitory before heading up to Owen’s room, the one he shared with Regulus despite the age differences. An eye was constantly kept on the younger of the boys. This was just another thing he was forced to put up with. Once he was inside the room he had laid his books down, kicking off his shoes and grabbing Owen’s shoulder in an attempt to calm his friend. ‘I saw him with her. I saw him with her, Reg!’ It made no sense at the moment. Regulus’ brows twisted in confusion. ‘I bet you look at her the way your filthy, bastard brother does. You wish it was your hands on her. Don’t you little Reggie?’

Just like that it all happened. Fists were thrown, night stands were knocked over, and bodies were slammed into walls and doors, anything to cause any sort of pain. It was the same pain both of the boys thrived for, both of them needed it more than the air that was still trying to fill the raven haired boy’s lungs as he pulled the events to the front of his mind.

“Reggie? You’re okay, right? You’re lovely and wonderful, please tell me you’re okay.” Amerie’s voice was small. She knew if she had spoken too loudly she’d startle him, even the girl who was oblivious to most things around her knew that look. She could read him like one of the old books she’d steal from his parent’s study. She could read that look in his grey eyes. “Please.”

He didn’t answer her, just shoved himself away from the bed post and grabbed his shoes, carrying them in his arms with his jacket. Without a moment’s hesitation he was leaving the room, arm outstretched as his fingertips brushed over the corridor’s walls. After leaving his best friend, bruised and bloody nosed, he laid by the lake. He couldn’t remember how long he’d been down there but was aware he’d missed his morning classes. ‘How long would it take me to sink to the bottom?’ He could remember asking himself that, he could remember being scared by Amerie’s gentle voice answering. ‘No time at all, really. You can’t swim, remember? You’d sink and they’d pull you right to the bottom. Wow!’ He turned his head up to her, eyes red and glossy. Regulus never cried and to this very moment would never admit it.

That was where his memory stopped, preventing him from being able to play their conversation over. All he could be sure of was what they fought over. It wasn’t Owen. Owen didn’t matter to Regulus in the way his sister did. No. It was Adam. Adam was perfect and brilliant and oh so lovely. He had bright eyes. Nothing like Regulus’ lifeless ones. His frame was large. Nothing like the small, child like one Regulus was forced to live with. Adam’s voice was strong and deep, he could quiet a room without trying. Regulus was over looked by anyone who wasn’t apart of his social circle but that was okay. He knew he could understand Amerie better than Adam ever could. He knew he could love her more than anyone could love another human being. But she could never love him. She was the first thing he saw. When he woke for the day, she was the face he saw. When he woke that day in the hospital wing, she was the first thing he saw. When he decided to be someone else, decided to end the pitiful existence he fueled, she was the first thing he saw. But she could never love him the way he loved her and he was selfish and cruel enough to make her hurt for that.

Breathing was still hard. Thinking was impossible but Regulus knew where he wanted to be now. He knew where he had to be, who he had to see. He knew who was going to protect him from his own heart, from the last bit of good in him. Regulus spent the rest of his terrible day in Rabastan’s company. It wasn’t much. They hardly spoke but that was the thing. Neither of them had to speak to understand each other. Just like Amerie, Rabastan was the youngest. He lacked the purity and innocence that drew Regulus in but that didn’t matter. All that mattered was Amerie didn’t follow him that day. She didn’t follow him the next day or even the day after that.

Loved your take on "The Lake was so calm"!

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 19:06:32 -0500

Thank you so much! c:

[+] The lake was so calm. There was nothing like it. There never would be. Nothing could come...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:10:00 -0500

[+] The lake was so calm.

There was nothing like it. There never would be. Nothing could come close to creating the same affect, to bringing any peace of mind. Nothing could and nothing would. I was sure of it. I was more sure of it than anything I had ever known. I was more sure of this than the music I made, the clothing I designed. I was more sure of this feeling than I was of my husband, my best friends, my cat. And for the love of God, I was pretty fucking sure of them. There was nothing like it, though. Nothing at all.

As a kid I’d spend my nights here. Too many nights were wasted and not nearly enough were productive but I couldn’t keep away. I couldn’t go a day without leaving behind everything to see this. The drive was long. Oh God, was it long. The radio was broken, the AC too. Arizona heat was always its worse at this time of the year, the time I needed to get away more than ever. There was nothing like it, nothing. It was worth every attempt, every lie, just to lose all sense of the world around me for a few moments.

It was hard to keep track of time. I learned that quickly. One moment poured into an hour, eventually ending with a night spent there, and soon enough nights, days even, were lost there. The grass was always soft, always cool. Even all those years ago my skin always felt too warm to me. The grass was nice, though. Soft, cool, it felt almost how the world should have felt to me. I can still feel it under my fingertips. I can still smell it when I close my eyes. Sometimes, even now, I close my eyes when the screaming gets too loud. I close my eyes and within seconds I’m back in that world, I’m back to the one place that felt like home before fate brought me something better.

There was nothing like it. I told myself that over and over. Those words were repeated for months, years. The last night it felt like they were true and could never lose meaning. It was perfect and will always be recalled as such. The air felt nice. It was warm. Arizona was always warm but there was something about that place, something almost magical, something unreal. I couldn’t feel the warmth. I couldn’t feel much of anything.

Not the anger that caused me to drive out there. Not the shame for what I had previously said. Not the fear of going home. I couldn’t feel any of that but it went beyond that, beyond anything that could ever make sense. The warm air didn’t register in my mind. I couldn’t feel it. I couldn’t even tell what time of the year it was, my mind was that lost as I sat there. Nothing ran through my head. It was the one moment I’d waited years to truly experience.

Peace at last. What I had known before, what that hidden place had created for me was nothing compared to that night. I thought I had the world figured out and with one misplaced word what I knew had came crashing down. Chaos and peace had found me in the same day. I didn’t understand what that would mean, not until today, not until a handful of years had passed. Time was never something I could keep track of, not even now. All I knew was a lot had changed, all because of that place. Nothing could compare to it, nothing could bring me the same comfort and peace. Nothing.

But I was wrong. There was something that could create something better, something safe, and easier to lose myself in. I think you know. I think you’ve always known that something is you. Sometimes I wake up and wonder. I wonder if you can see it, I wonder if you can see you’re that place I need. You’re the peace I’ve always wanted. There’s something inside me that needs you, something you balance out and it drives me insane those days I try to figure it out. I think you know, I think you always have, though. Even now. You see it. You have to. There’s nothing like it. There’s nothing like this place, the one I’m sharing with you right now and there’s nothing like you. Maybe this isn’t home. Maybe it isn’t what I had believed it to be for all those years but with you? It can be.

I wouldn’t change anything about this. I could never because as different as it feels, it feels exactly the same. There was nothing like it and there never will be. The grass doesn’t feel quite as soft. The air feels cold. There’s one thing that will never change. As I lay here with you, I can still find peace in this place. As I lay here with you, I can recall every moment spent here without you. “The lake was so calm.” I murmured, eyes never leaving that body of water.